


A Q Branch Christmas Carol

by soufflegirl91



Category: James Bond (Craig movies), James Bond - All Media Types
Genre: Christmas carol rewrites, Crack, M/M, One Shot Collection, does exactly what it says on the tin, you might think I'm sorry but I'm not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-24
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:34:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28192512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soufflegirl91/pseuds/soufflegirl91
Summary: Every year in December, Q Branch hold an annual Christmas carol rewriting competition, reflecting what's been going on at MI6 in the past year. Here are some of this year's entries.
Relationships: James Bond/Q, James Bond/Q/Alec Trevelyan
Comments: 32
Kudos: 44





	1. God Rest Ye Merry Q-Branchers

**Author's Note:**

> You knew what you were getting into and you clicked anyway. I'm not sorry.
> 
> Each chapter will be a different carol. There will be at least 3, maybe more if I get inspired. They should scan to the original tunes as well as I've been able to make them, so bonus points if you put on a backing track and sing along!

God rest ye merry Q-Branchers, let nothing you dismay  
For even Bond, James Bond somehow brought in his gun today.   
He saved us all from Q's great wrath, let's shout hip, hip, hooray!   
O, tidings of blueprints and cake, blueprints and cake   
Glad tidings of blueprints and cake.

It started out last Wednesday on a mission in Peru  
When Stephens had to cover comms while Q went to the loo   
Q came back in a moment just to find that Bond was gone   
Then Stephens legged it in a run, left in a run   
Then Stephens legged it in a run

On Thursday, Q was moping, we really felt quite sad  
By Friday, he was angry and that's when things went bad   
M had to come down to Q Branch and force him to go home.   
Poor Q, he went home all alone, sad and alone   
Poor Q, he went home all alone.

He got called in on Sunday night when fin'lly there was news,  
"Bond, if you don't come back home soon, I'll make you one big bruise!"   
"Why Q," said Bond, "I never knew you'd miss me in this way.   
I'll make my way back home today, back home today.   
I'll make my way back home today."

God rest ye merry Q-Branchers, let nothing you dismay  
For even Bond, James Bond somehow brought in his gun today.   
He saved us all from Q's great wrath, let's shout hip, hip, hooray!   
O, tidings of blueprints and cake, blueprints and cake   
Glad tidings of blueprints and cake.


	2. We Two Spies of MI6 Are

We two spies of MI6 are   
Stealing planes and crashing our cars   
On his computer, hacking a router   
Q watches from afar

_ O spies of wonder, spies of might,   
Spies you couldn't call too bright   
Bond is bleeding, Alec's wheezing   
_ _'Cause he set that plane alight_. 

Missions don't always go to plan   
Even though Q's a clever man   
Agents never listen ever   
Since MI6 began

_ O spies of wonder, spies of might,   
Spies you couldn't call too bright   
Bond is bleeding, Alec's wheezing   
'Cause he set that plane alight.  _

Alec crashed that plane with a flair   
Thinking that a barn was a lair   
Bond went racing, all guns blazing   
Gave everyone a scare

_ O spies of wonder, spies of might,   
Spies you couldn't call too bright   
Bond is bleeding, Alec's wheezing   
'Cause he set that plane alight. _

They came back home happy and smug   
Until Q gave each one a slug   
Said they’d be in agony and   
Have to sleep on the rug

_ O spies of wonder, spies of might,   
Spies you couldn't call too bright   
Bond is bleeding, Alec's wheezing   
'Cause he set that plane alight. _


	3. Away in a Med Bay

Away in a med bay, stuck in his sick bed  
Poor injured James Bond, he had bumped his sore head.  
While Q in his office was moaning to Eve:  
“He just never listens, you would not believe.” 

The medics are laughing, and soon Bond awakes,  
A sad, smashed potato, such grumbling he makes.  
Regrets his life choices, should learn not to run  
Into burning buildings with only a gun.

Now Alec will have to look after his mate,  
For Q as we know, well he always works late.  
In Q Branch we can’t wait until they retire,  
And stop making trouble or starting a fire.


	4. Carol of the Bum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Original tune: Carol of the Bells. AKA that one that makes you feel like someone is following you and about to attack)

Hark! Look at Bond  
Wearing a thong  
Must have gone mad  
Or he’s been had.  
Q made a joke  
On the poor bloke   
After he dared  
Insult Q’s hair

Bond in a thong,   
This is our song!   
Isn’t it fun   
Watching him run   
Arse hanging out   
With such a pout.   
Run down the beach   
Showing his peach.

On mission as   
A guy called Chas   
Thinks he’s all that -   
Chas is a twat!    
Maybe he’ll learn   
He should return   
Gadgets and gun -   
No poking fun!   
Never never never never test Q!   
Never never never never test Q!


	5. Hark! The Herald Agents Sing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last one... for this year :P 
> 
> I ran out of words after verse two, so this one is somewhat incomplete, but I hope you enjoy it anyway. I have really loved seeing all of your giggles in the comments <3

Hark! The herald agents sing   
Q branch made a shiny thing!   
We must steal it and destroy   
Our new and explode-y toy!   
Angry, all Q branch will be   
When our actions they will see,   
Even Q will have to shout,   
“Agents, won’t you just get out.”  
_ Hark! The herald agents sing   
Q branch made a shiny thing.  _

  
Now it's James Bond with a smirk,   
Here to interrupt Q's work   
With a flirty line or two -   
He thinks we can't see right through!   
They're not subtle, though they try,   
They forget we still have eyes   
We see things we can't unsee,   
We must now get therapy!   
_ Hark! The herald Q branch moan   
“Won’t you leave our Q alone?!” _


End file.
